My NDN cousin, Rezzy Runninglate, called from the Big Apple to report that he had been the victim of a street con game.

“Colbert, you’ll never believe what happened to me!”

Rezzy, knowing you, I’d believe anything. What’s up?

“I got conned in a street shell game and lost $300. Best thing that ever happened to me. Now I really understand the illegal immigration issue”.

Whoa! Slow down Rezzy. So how did you lose $300 in a street shell game and what does that have to do with illegal immigration?

“Well, I was walking on Madison Avenue staring up at the tall buildings when some guy behind me yelled ‘hey you’. I thought I was being braced by the police for an immigration violation.”

Uh, Rezzy that’s what happens in Arizona. You were in New York.

“No man, it’s happening all over the country. You can be cited and deported for L.W.B.”

LWB?

“Living While Brown! Aaaayyeee!”

“Anyways, this guy tells me that I can play his shell game and double my money. So I threw down $300.”

Rezzy you can’t resist a bet.

“The guy tells me that he is going to shuffle three shells and if I choose the one that has the pea under it, I win $600.”

Geez Rezzy, that’s a game called a ‘short-con’. There’s no way to win.

“Sounds like you’ve been to New York City, Colbert”

Yes, many times and Washington D.C. too. They REALLY play some con games in D.C.!

“Yeah, so this guy is the master of sleigh-of-hand. He’s moving the shells around so fast I’m getting dizzier than after a night of drinking choc beer. He finally stops shuffling and tells me to pick.”

You didn’t pick the middle shell?!

“I picked the middle shell.”

And there was nothing under it.

“Yep. I lost my whole per diem check on the first day of my trip!”

So what happened then?

“I got so mad that I slammed my fist on the table and all three of the shells went flying into the air. At that moment I had an epipefiny.”

An epipefiny? You mean an epiphany?

“Whatever.  The guy had the pea in his hand the whole time!”

So did you get your $300 back?

“Naw man, the con disappeared faster than my old lady can spend my per cap check at Wal-Martz. But what I learned about the illegal immigration issue in this country was more than worth $300.

Ok, Rezzy, so what did you learn about immigration by losing?

“I learned that it is a con game being played on the American public by the ultra right wing ‘con-servatives.’”

Man, you are going to have to explain that one.

“Colbert, don’t you remember the lessons that Grandpa Runninglate taught us?”

Of course I do. He was a great man and very, very wise.

“Yeah, he only made it to the 4th grade when he got kicked out for hosting dice games. But he always said that formal schooling never got in the way of his education. Remember what he told us to do when thinking about a great issue of the day?”

Uh, turn-on the TV and watch reruns of Beverly Hillbillies until the deep thought passes?

“That was your aunt. Grandpa told us to ask ourselves three questions when taking a stance on an issue. First, WHEN did this become an issue? Second, WHO is making this an issue? And, third, WHY is this an issue and who benefits?

Hmmm, ok. So when did illegal immigration become an issue?

“Of course, it goes back to the first boat peoples washing ashore in 1492.”

You mean Columbus?

“Yeah, with those ships; the El Nino, the Pinata and the Santa Claus.”

Right Rezzy.

“Immigration historically has been used as a whipping boy to divert America’s attention from more severe issues. When did you first notice this latest spate of ethnic bashing?”

It was during the 2004 elections. I went to bed one night and everything was fine but when I woke up America had been overrun with illegal immigrants. It was suddenly all over the news and politicians were howling about it.

“Exactly! So this became a major issue just in very recent years.  You mentioned the politicians. What political party has been howling the loudest about this?”

Definitely the Republicans!

“More specifically the ultra-right wing con-servatives, eh? So now we know WHEN this became an issue and we know WHO is making this an issue.”

Yes, it is now the biggest issue in the country and is being pushed by the far right wing con-servatives. Now all of the politicians have to get tough on the brown skins in order to get elected. It’s like what we used to do back in the day when we’d kick the commies around. Gawd, I miss those damn commies!

“Ok, Colbert now that we know the WHEN and the WHO, the answer to WHY this is an issue and who benefits should be obvious.”

Yes, it should…but I’m starting to think about the Hillbillies!

“The shell con game revealed that illegal immigration became the Number One issue in America as a smoke screen to divert America’s attention away from the ongoing tragedy in Iraq and its horrific cost.”

We have been in Iraq for over 7 years now at a cost of nearly $1 trillion.

“Yes, and it was the right-wing con-servatives who sold us on that war by telling us that Iraq  possessed large stockpiles of WMD and that these WMDs were locked, loaded and pointed at our head!”

True. We invaded and 7 years and $1 trillion later we’ve yet to find any WMD.

“And so Colbert, if you were responsible for such a horrible blunder, what would you do with elections coming up?”

I’d play a short-con game on the American people and tell them that the illegals hiding under the shell are causing all of America’s problems while I was covering up the much bigger problem in my hand.

“Now you see how getting conned in a street shell game helped me to understand the illegal immigration issue.”

Rezzy, you never cease to amaze!